They Are Both Special

So just after JenEx's excellent post on the topic, Sister-Carrie follows up with an equally poignant one on her daughter and how special she is.

We have been home a little over 2 1/2 months. Beach Ball is amazing. For all the difficulties we had in the first month, we have worked through a lot of them and now, she is the funniest, snuggliest, squishiest baby ever! From ripping my nose off and not letting me go anywhere near her, we are now in the "melt into a squishy ball in to mommy's arms" mode. She just loves cuddling, she loves to be held. She's amazing.

But, it's not all puppies and rainbows. It still isn't. She is a very angry child. So good natured 80% of the time, but do something wrong and she will turn into The Hulk. The amount of anger is totally disproportionate to whatever the situation is. She doesn't express physical pain. Knocks her head hard enough to stun herself but won't make a peep. There are only two situations where she cries: in the middle of the night, when she is asleep and therefore totally not in control, and when she is mad/angry. But the mad/angry cries are more like screams and frustration, the middle of the night cries are pure baby sobs, tears, absolute and total sadness.

I think the reason Jen's post struck such a chord with me is because she was able to give examples (the hot oatmeal) that made me think about my own daughters. Karen of the Naked Ovary once wrote that she found a scar on her daughter that she couldn't explain, and that this physical scar came to represent all the emotional scars she would never know about.

Some things about Beach Ball I can make educated guesses about:

• She never bends her knees or elbows. I saw the kids in the orphanage, they had on so many layers, they weren't able to bend them, so they never learned. When she gets up from the ground, she does it 100% without bending her knees.
• She absolutely cannot stand being in a wet diaper. Well, she has never been in a wet diaper, she used to be in split pants. As a matter of fact, she has some scars from the frost-bite caused by urine freezing on her (my supposition and the educated guess of 2 doctors)
• her "rejection" of me: all the orphanage pictures for the last 18 months show the same 2 nannies. Even if I suppose that before that there were different people, it would still mean that she pretty much had the same 2 caretakers for 18 of the 20  months she was there. So she "rejected" me because she actually had a family. Not a family by our definition of the word, but she lived with 2 caretakers and about a dozen siblings. That was her family.
• She spent 20 months of her life in one room. Sure, they probably played outside a little everyday, but they ate, slept, played, all in one room. And then we took her clear across the world to a house on 4 floors, with seperate rooms for all activities and 2 different rooms for playing. Try not freaking out if you were her.

This has also caused me to rethink some things about Dumpling. For the last 3 years, every single meal has been a struggle. She won't eat. Simply won't eat. We cajole, we negotiate, we encourage, we tried ignoring for a while, it's all the same. One thing that recently struck me is how she will only eat once everything is cold. Room Temperature. She always tells me everything is too hot, even if I didn't warm it more than a few seconds. Somehow, I always assumed she trying to take control. (control is a big thing with her). But after Jen's post, I literally re-examined everything and realised, maybe she NEEDS for the food to be room temperature because either a) that's how they used to give it to her or b) she got burned by hot congee and is reacting to that to this day. How did this not occur to me in 3 years? How did it not occur to the therapist? We always assumed it was a control issue, maybe it's just based on her history.

And this is why I 100% agree with Jen's statement that every adoption is a special needs adoption. The loss of one's birth family is a loss that will impact ANY individual. It doesn't matter if that baby finds a home at 2 days of life (like in a domestic adoption) or at 20 months, that primal loss makes a mark on the slate of who they are. And the more time passes before adoption, the more history is created. Unfortunately for us, there is no documentation of that history. So we must navigate blindly, with educated guesses.

Both my daughters are precious and special, each in their own way. But I must think every day that there are things about them I will never understand and I have to find ways to parent them to the best of my abilities and help them realize their full potential, while being aware of the hidden scars,

Comments

[3cmum]

Longtime lurker and PAP so I can't comment directly, although I heartily believe that all adoptions are a SN one.

However, I do have a nearly 6 year old daughter who REFUSES to eat anything unless it is at room temp. Warm is even refused. Ideally it should be cold, a coldness that would make all of us refuse to eat it.

I cannot for the life of me figure out this hatred of hot (she loves hot baths)- as she wasn't adopted, didn't have a bad "hot" episode etc.

It drove me to distraction until this year when I simply gave in. I have taught her for school (where she gets hot meals) to move everything round to let the steam out etc and now she will apparently eat something there but not much as by the time she is ready to eat it, they are about to finish.

At home I have to figure in a 10 minute+ period at dinner before she will eat anything. Frequently I give her cold meat leftovers while we have hot.

I did manage to convince her to try some soup the other day but it had to be cold (YUCK).

Just a long ramble to say I understand your frustration! Let her go with it. I'm hoping that eventually she may realize it tastes better mum's way. Perhaps at 18?

[Johnny]

Yeah, good one.

[Johnny]

Oh and by the way, our MO for #1 is to "cook" food, then immediately throw it into the freezer to cool down. Crazy, but it's what is needed.

[Katie J/Maylee Beezir]

Thanks for sharing. I do find myself wondering about Buttons in the 9 months before we met. I agree that we're imprinted from our very first days of life. What can we do about it, but go on and parent the best way we know how hopefully armed with some education of the needs adoptees may have.

Again, thanks.

[Sister Carrie]

Oh, your list of educated guesses is heartbreaking. But I think you're right on the mark.

[Ali]

Beautiful, beautiful post. You are a wonderful mother.

[Jenny]

Both Mia and cammie get very very angry. No one really listens to me about it though. I mean, mean. And I know a 10 month old shouldn't be that mean. It is usually only when they are tired and uncomfortable but it is enough for me to know....it is not their personality. Also, they both scream nightly, still having bad dreams and I wish I could ease the pain.

We got our girls young, and they are attached to us. We feel they are really good emotionally and mentally but C and I both agree they have baggage that other kids just don't have. We gladly will work through the baggage and I think that is something people need to know...there is always something....

[elaine]

Yes indeed.
And a light bulb over the head moment for me with the origin of the scars our little one has!
Good work.

[Pink Devora]

Wow, that is very insightful thinking. Hope to hear about more progress.

[Amy/grrlTravels]

Yes, that is an excellent list of educated guesses which has me cringing and thinking I must rethink everything yet again. A good process, but a painful one.

I agree with you. Yes, yes, yes.