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February 19, 2007

Comments

PinkPoppies

Delurking to say sorry you are having a hard time. I think being honest about the challenges as well as the joys keeps it real. It sucks big time to be rejected and it's okay to feel the hurt of that rejection just as your little tot is feeling the hurt of the grief/loss/dislocation she feels. Not everyone sits sobbing, and her anger is probably more productive than being withdrawn. For what it is worth, based on my own research and what I have read, it sounds like you have made the right decision to focus on building the attachment bonds. Hope it improves, Pink

Mrs Figby

Sounds like you're making a game plan for dealing with it, and that's a Good Thing. I know it's tough, and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it. I'm glad you're speaking up, though, because people really need to know how it can be. The more prepared people are, the better for the children.

Sending you love and attachment juju.

OmegaMom

I'm glad you're posting the things that aren't puppies and rainbows. Hopefully, someone searching on China adoption attachment, who is in a similar place and wondering what's wrong with her (or him) stumbles upon this post, and realizes it's not uncommon for a toddler to attach early to one, and reject the other.

I know it's difficult right now...but I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on the attachment. Give it time.

Hugs. I know it's tough, and hopefully it will pass soon.

vanillabean

I almost never comment on the blogs I read, but I wanted to de-lurk long enough to say thank you for posting, and I hope things improve for you soon.

Dirk

I made that promise to myself when we were in China that I would post about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And there was plenty of all three. I am so proud of you for posting this.

Our twins picked their favorite parent from day one - Sarah wanted Papa, Heike wanted Mama. But never as extreme as you are describing it here. I don't thing there's a good easy answer. Time will play a big role and consistency. If I remember correctly it took us about four weeks until we both could reliably feed or put to bed both babies.

Right now the only thing I can offer to you is this: All of us go through tough spots. Many would never admit it, not even to themselves. But the reality is that this is extremely traumatic for the babies and every baby deals with that differently.

Finally, don't be afraid to ask your social worker for advice (we did - we were seriously considering giving up after something like 20 days without sleep).

Harry

I am sorry that you and Mortimer's Dad are having to deal with this. Know that there are people out here on the Internets that are pulling for you. As the Mrs said, you've got a plan to deal with this which is the all important first step. Virtual hugs from Tokyo.

Carla

Thank you for posting this. You are very brave and I'm sure this too will pass. I know it sucks and honestly I don't know how I would handle this. Keep at it chick!!

~Carla

Dee

Hugs and positive thoughts and love.
No advice
No suggestions
Just positive thoughts and love and prayers

Erika

I truly appreciate you posting this. Puppies and rainbows are nice to read about and all, but these kinds of experiences are actually helpful. I know that as we prepare to be DTC for sister, we need to be acutely aware that the second experience will be nothing like the first. So thank you.

Sending you and your family good vibes, and wishing you all the best.

kjames

please keep posting. my friend is adopting a little girl from liberia who will be anywhere from a year to 18 months (they aren't 100% sure of her actual age). she'll be bringing her home this june and i feel like that by reading entries like this, i will better know what my friend might be going through and can be a support to her. i really appreciate your honesty.

Amanda

We went through something like this...but on a much smaller scale. I am glad that you are posting about it, and that you have made a game plan.

Wishing you much strength in the coming days.

Take care.

Cat, Galloping

i'm sorry. that sounds really tough. i am hoping for you that it passes quickly.

Doris Clark

Sounds really tough but I appreciate the candor & honesty. Helps to know what we might face when the time comes.

Keep smilin!

Julie

I'm so sorry you're going through. And fact is, while not everyone says so, most people I know who have been through adoption, me included, agree that the first month or so home is just hellish, for a variety of reasons. I hope you turn the corner soon!

Julie

mijk

My two year old (biological) daughter hits me in the face when angry she tries to bite too. it is so hards to not take itpersonlaly. I know she loves me it is just frustration taking over. And still it hurts so bad, it also made me question if I could lover her as much as son who is a mama's boy.

Because of that experience I think it must hurt and scare you too. So big hug for the four of you..(it must be exhausting for moertimers dad too.).. wishing you rainbows and ladybugs and puppies for the future (ha puppies are always good our new girl will arrive in two weeks!)

jen

Nothing to say except thank you for always being honest. That's much more helpful than the rainbows. Sending you good attachment vibes. Hang in there.

shelly

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. I would be a friggen mess if I were in your position. Your statement about what you were prepared for vs. what you're actually dealing with is going to stick with me. Our SW told us that this preference for Dadddy is so much more common than not these days, namely when kiddos have had foster care. I'm sure it's impossible to imagine yourself on the other side of this since you're drowning now - but you will be and you have to keep that faith. I'm sorry. I hope this eases up and soon.

carrie

Delurking to say thank you for the post. Puppies are lovely but reality is far better for those of us who wait.

No advice but lots and lots of good thoughts winging their way to you across the atlantic. Best of luck and use the blog as a way to vent.

Elaine

Yikes. Your life sounds like the first several months home with our oldest daughter. Hell. I didn't have a blog back then - nor internet pals - nor anyone who began to understand how awful I felt and how bloody hard it was. Worst was how much I hated that little snot-nose girl and how much I loved her at the same time.
I'm sorry. I'll 'hold you in the light' as my Quaker friends like to say. Take care of yourself too. -- Elaine

Spacemom

Hang in there. This is tough and we went through a phase where my youngest decided Dad was the bomb and mommy bites. For a while, she would hate me, hit me, scream no no no I want Daddy. I felt terrible. But it passes.Try to keep that in the back of your mind when she does this to you...

This too will pass... and it sounds like you are starting with a good plan!

Thanks for being honest. It will certainly help others who need to read this!

Kate Cotton

I will enter out of delurking land to let you know that I went through a similar situation. Our new daughter would bite me if I came near. It hurt so much. I let her attatch to others because I got tired of being rejected. Now we are fine, but the process sucked. I hate in the adoption community if you are honest there are so many ready to pounce and judge, so I keep quiet. I admire your honesty and not caring. Love your sight. Kate

Wendy

I hope things get better soon.

tshapedgirl

I'm sorry. I'm sure this must be so hard for you, and for the rest of your family. Hang in there.

Marji

I too feel compelled to delurk to add a voice of support. I loved sharing your trip, thanks, and yeah, sometimes it isn't ice cream castles in the air, but you'll get nothing but understanding from this corner. I adopted as a single person, so the kids were kind of stuck with only me, no dad option, and adjusted accordingly. However, the last time round the block, it was bad, hard and sad. I can truthfully say it's getting better, but I dropped off the blog radar for awhile as I tried to comes to grips with loving but not liking my youngest child, still coming to grips, it's a long ass, hard trip, you're going in the right direction. Back to lurking.

Julie

Another delurking supporter. Reading your post sent me back two years. We adopted our second daughter from China two years ago tomorrow. It was pure hell. She hated me. She only wanted daddy. She hit me. She bit me. She did anything she could to get away from me. I was miserable. I truly didn't want to be her mom after a while. I thought about running away. But time has healed those wounds. Now she is the most loving child ever.

I have no great words of wisdom. Just time will help. Is there an adoption support group that you can locally be part of? That is what helped me. Seeing moms face to face and venting to them when no one else understood. Now I am the one who says to others - The clouds don't open and the angels don't sing. It is not all rainbows and unfortunately you get the brunt of the abuse.

Good luck to you. Time will help and until then maybe a martini or two would be good.

mama d

Ugh, BTDT. We called Charlie "The Misogynist" for the first few days he was with us because he tolerated me but hated all other females. It may not even be "what you represent," and just Beach Ball's way of making her world small enough to emotionally handle. One day, a few weeks after we were home, Charlie just accepted me as part of his new life. Then, three months after coming home he moved to a new place with me. Now, he's the best yet, but it's still hard to watch him cling only to papi when he gets into new and/or scary situations.

This past weekend, he was overwhelmed with new kids and places and stuck to papi like glue. Then, at dinner last night, he had to eat with one hand on my knee ... just to make sure I was there.

Hang in there...

Melissa Y.

Thank you for keeping it real. It does help to read about possible issues/scenarios and know what other people are doing to address them. Your honesty is appreciated and I hope you see improvements with BB soon.

Jenny

Totally blows and i am sorry. No smoke blowing here. Just try to get through the best you can. Don't you hate it though when you are totally prepared for something that doesn't happen and don't know what the heck to do for the situation! I hate that and that is what happened with us and the twins for sure.

sending attachment vibes up your way---Jenny

Katie J/Maylee Beezir

Good for you for truth tellin'. Buttons only wanted her daddy for the longest time and no matter how much you understand it in your brain, your heart is hurt. I became a stay at home mom and I was so freakin' nervous about hubby going to work, but I think in the end that's what helped. That's our story. I'm wishing you rainbows and puppies soon in your story.

Thanks for putting yourself out there.

Sister Carrie

Sorry for how things are going. I think it's great that you are willing to share your experience. People really do need to know about all the possible reactions. Are you all still jetlagged? Being off your schedule can make everyone feel a little ragged. Enjoy your glass of wine, and hang in there.

Beverly Moore

I know the feeling of being "hated" by your daughter. You do take it personally then feel guilt because you know you shouldn't take it personally.

I was completely devastated in China. My daughter bonded with my dad while in China and the only thing that saved us from the same situation is that I don't live him. But for 4 weeks when we were home, my kiddo would go to any strange man who looked like he could be my dad. She didn't call me "mama" until November and I adopted her in July 2005. Things have changed now and I can say she is pretty firmly attached to me but it took a long time.

Keep trying, she will give in soon enough. Then you might wish again for the daddy only days.

Beverly
dd glenys
http://glenysluckymama.blogspot.com

Robyn

I guess I'm one of those who have slowly stopped blogging the more difficult my adoption becomes . . . I have struggled for 6 months trying to facilitate attachment with my daughter, and I've found that when I'm honest about my feelings, I get hatemail and crazy looks. But it's true that not all adoption stories are candy and roses. Thanks for a realistic glimpse of attachment. It makes me feel so much less alone.

debbie in the UK

It is extremely brave to blog about these things and very important too. If you pop over to Elsie Elsewhere she has also blogged about it not being all heart and flowers. Jeez when I had my bio daughter it was awful. I hated every minute of it but because she was me bio daughter I guess I never felt any pressure to lie and make it all wonderful. Well done for speaking out!!

abelveSed

I'm new here, just wanted to say hello and introduce myself.

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