Mortimer's Mom Winter Fitness Camp and Spa

When Mrs. Figby blogged about signing up for bootcamp, a light-bulb went off in my head.... I'd like to officially announce the opening of Mortimer's Mom Winter Fitness Camp and Spa.

Need to get in shape? Tired of the city-smog you've been breathing and want to fill your lungs with some fresh Canadian air? Have a pasty green teenager in your basement that needs to see some sunshine? Whatever the reason, my Winter Fitness Camp has it all.

• Daily cardio workout of snow-shoveling.  Added benefit of arm-muscle building and serious back-strengthening.
• Instead of boring ice-fishing, let Mortimer's Dad teach you the art of dog-poo retrieval from the in-ground swimming pool that is now filled with snow. (And easily accessible to the dogs because the fence is covered in snow.)
• Some winter resorts offer Polar-Bear Swims. We'd like to offer you the Midnight Pajama Run down Main Street, chasing after Mortimer and Lucy, who easily strolled over the 8 foot fence, because the snow is HIGHER than the fence.
• For those who've always wanted to try mountain climbing, we offer daily dog-walks over the snow banks because the city still hasn't cleared the sidewalks. Mortimer's Dad, an expert in winter-dog walking will teach you the fine art of dodging between perpendicularly parked cars, crossing a street when you can't see incoming traffic because of 2-3 meter-high snowbanks and finding a garbage can to dispose of dog poo in a football field-sized park covered in snow removed from the one street that was cleaned up.
• Always fancied taking up dare-devil activities like bungee jumping or skydiving? We'll strap you to the chimney with a home-made harness and let you clear the roof!
• As a bonus, the first person who digs up the cooler we forgot on the balcony in the fall gets to take home said cooler, filled with fluffy white Canadian Grade A, non-dog-yellowed snow!

But fear not! It's not all exercise and work! Dumpling and Beach Ball will be more than happy to school you in the fine winter arts of Snowpeople building, Snow-angel making and walking to the car without falling on your rear!

Accommodations include the orange guest room previously used by the Urbans and myself after knee surgery. Daily wine and cheese while watching horrible reality TV illicitly downloaded from the internet. Don't worry about getting plenty of sleep: the guest room is like a dark cave, since we haven't gotten to shoveling the windows and you can't see a damned thing!

Book now! We anticipate the snow remaining til late May, early June. Should you wish to travel at a later date, please note that work-out activities will be switched to:

• moving all the furniture out of the basement to avoid damage during the impending flooding
• spring clean up of the yard, which will include lunges in thigh-high mud, to retrieve any and all garden implements forgotten in the fall
• heavy duty dog-washing to keep the mud OUTSIDE the house (think of it as heavy moisturizing, pore cleansing and removal of dead-skin from your hands)

So, who's it gonna be? Sign up, I promise yummy balanced Kosher meals, constant entertainment courtesy of Mortimer's Dad (can you say "Man Alive!"???) and the overwhelming cuteness of Dumpling and Beach Ball, all the while working out, sweating and building muscle, while never getting hot!

Comments

[Herb]

This sounds like Strat-o-Matic heaven! I'll bring the bootleg Springsteen shows and my snowblower.

[Juliette]

Thanks for the laugh!
I see you're optimistic, we were thinking we might not see the lawn before end of June or even July...just don't look at next week forecast!

[Mrs Figby]

Wow, sounds like...uh...fun. Heh.

[Elizabeth]

Hmmm, weight loss? Free room and board? I'm all for the roof clearing. With all the snow, I can't imagine the fall would be THAT far. At what level of snow is it declared an official emergency or disaster area or too-much-snow situation?

[Susan]

Too funny!

[Justine]

you forgot about the ice... we had some icicles fall off or roof yesterday that were at least a foot in diameter - huge and hazardous! I'll come but I would have to bring all 10 puppies with me and I imagine that would only provide more work - lol, thanks for the giggles.

[Beverly]

Heigh Ho!! We are there!! Sounds like Disney's winter wonderland moved to Canada!

LOL! I have never seen that much snow except once when I went to Banff to ski and then not for long.

Beverly

[ann (fchen)]

hilarious!! :)