Mortimer's Mom

the prisoner vs the escape artist

we spent a couple of plague-filled days at the Kibbutz. We were going to buy Dumpling her new ski-boots and skis, since she grew so much, but my uncle wasn't around, so we had to skip that. Then we had a flood (something is wrong with the tub drain and it drains to the floor below. It's the second time it happens). And of course, there were the ladybugs. Everywhere. I found a dead one in my bra when we got back to the city Saturday afternoon....

The few times the went last winter with both kiddos, Beach Ball slept in a crib in our room. Dumpling's room is very small, so we figured it was better to have BB with us. But we like to read at night and we're always worried we'll wake her up, so this time, we figured we'd try putting her with Dumpling. The plan was to move the crib in there, but it didn't fit through the doors without being dismantled, which I was not in the mood for. Luckily, we still have Dumpling's old toddler bed, so we put that in there and just moved the matress.

The first night was a disaster. Within five minutes of being in there, BB figured out she could get up and walk about. I know all kids do this. But you have to understand. To this day, Dumpling doesn't get out of her bed if we don't come to get her. She has gotten out twice: once because she had a really scary dream (about a year ago, before she figured out she could just scream and we would come running) and once last month when she woke up with one of her spectacular bloody-noses. The rest of the time, she stays put. Which is why she still wears pull-ups at night, because she can't get the hang of going to the bathroom on her own.

So it was somehow perfectly suited that BB would be the total opposite. She ran out of the bed the second we were out of the room. And then, they talked. And talked. And talked. At 9:30, we gave up and put the mattress back in the crib and ended the sleep-over experiment. We got luckier the second night. We set the ground rules (5 mintues of talking, NO WALKING!) and BB slept in the toddler bed. And at 11 pm, she was standing right next to my bed! I have never been so jumpy in my life! And of course, at 6:00 am the next morning, they were giggling and running around. Funny how Dumpling got out of her bed this time....

As we prepare to order a big girl bed for BB, I am trying to delay as long as possible. Because it will have to involve gates and bells and alarms. Because that girl, she's gonna be getting out of bed, I just know it!

A Very Big Day For BB

Ironic that I wrote a post entitled Leap of Faith last time, because Tuesday morning, Hubs got a very-long-awaited phone call from the Bet Din... They finally were going to be able to get 3 Rabbis in the same room at the same time.... So this morning, our little Beach Ball took her dip in the Mikvah and was converted. I true BB style, she relished the dip was more than happy to dunk 3 times without Daddy holding her. It was quite funny, as the Rabbis were going on and on about how to let go of her under water to that the water would flow all around her without being touched. But they didn't know our little fish! She was too happy to oblige and frankly would have stayed in there for an hour if we had let her!

Taking a big leap of faith

I'm sure I'm going to get raked over the coals for this one......

Beach Ball has been home for almost 7 months and recently turned two. She has made HUGE progress on the physical development level and is on par with other 2 year olds. As far as attachment, I would say that after rejecting me violently at the beginning, she is much more attached at the 6 month mark than Dumpling was. I am NOT comparing them. She was in a smaller orphanage and had been VERY attached to her caregiver, so she had a capacity to attach that Dumpling didn't have. Now, she seeks hugs and kisses and comforting, something that took her sister much longer to do.

We have already left her with my parents and with our super amazing babysitter and she does amazingly well. So........... we have decided to send her to nursery school two mornings a week starting September...... I know! It's crazy! It goes against attachment parenting! I'm going to get blasted in the comments! Whatever, here is our reasoning behind it: She speaks very little. We see a speech therapist once a week and she's coming along. But the thing is, she doesn't NEED to speak because everyone in this house knows what she means and try as we might to not give in to her unless she speaks, it's not what actually happens on a daily basis. We anticipate her needs and give her what she wants without waiting for her to ask. Her sister understands her every grunt and pointing and fetches whatever her heart desires. The therapist feels she'll speak more if the people around her don't understand her. For example, she tries more words with my mother, because she sees her only once or twice a week.

We had a spot for her starting next September at nursery school. But they sent us an email this past week saying that some spots has opened up..... My head started spinning. I felt overwhelmingly guilty for even thinking about sending her. We kept Dumpling home a full year before we sent her. But Dumpling came home in the spring, so the timing was perfect. In Beach Ball case, it was either 6 months or 18 months.... We picked 18 months. But now, 6 months went by and what can I say? I think I'm ready, but more importantly, I think she's ready. We'll see how it goes.... I'm fully prepared to change my mind if she shows any signs of not wanting to go, not liking it, etc.

But starting in September, our not-so-little-baby will follow in her big sister's footsteps and march over to nursery school.......

let the flaming begin!

the 6 month update

So we hit the 6 month mark a few days ago. I don't even know where to start. She is the most amazing, happiest little person. She is not moody in anyway, shape or form. Whereas her sister jumps from one mood to another, Beach Ball is just a squishy ball of happiness. All day, everyday.

She was not a good sleeper when she first came to us. She was frightened of the crib or the alone-ness, I'm not sure. But now, she's a good sleeper. She goes to bed in 2 minutes flat. Putting her to bed used to be a nightmare, now it's like: Bed Time! OK, bye bye! She's out before we can get to the basement. She does, however, like to be up sometime around 6 am.... luckily for her, her father and the dogs are early risers! Dumpling and I, not so much!

A few weeks ago, a local reader/new friend came over****. She happens to be an OT and she played with BB and re-assessed some of her delays. She is very much in the 2 year old spectrum. We still do work on her abs and dexterity and knees, but she's well within the range. She still isn't much of a talker, but lately, it's really starting to come along. She's got lots of sounds for things, lots more words, and she loves to read outloud to herself. She'll just grab a book and babble endlessly.

The biggest change by far is the expression of affection. We have gone from biting and scratching to reciprocical hugs. When you asked for a hug 2 months ago, she was very much like a wet fish, letting you hug her and kiss her, but it was all on you. Now, she squeezes the bejesus out of you when you hug. And she'll just come over and hug and kiss you in themiddle of doing something else! I came believe we've gotten to that point so quickly!

She is delicious and scrumptious. She has a temper, that's for sure. But it's never unprovoked. There are no questions as to her behaviours or reactions. She gets mad when her sister pushes her around or takes things from her. She likes to be with us and hates when we leave her, but she adjusts well to being with others. She LOVES spending the day with her big sister and M the babysitter. So much so that M was hired to spend the day with Dumpling and we would keep Beach Ball with the one of us not working that day, but she's having none of it. She wants to be with the big girls.

That is not to say that she is not afraid of us leaving her. She LOVES to swim and will be a much better swimmer than Dumpling in no time. So we signed her up for private swim lessons at the local pool. During the first lesson, after watching Dumpling with the instructor for 30 min, she was DYING to have her turn in there and all it took for her to go with him was me putting my feet in the water. And she jumped right into his arms and was off for her own 30 min session. But the second time we went, Dumpling needed to go to the bathroom, so we elected to send BB in first. We used the same technique: I sat by the edge of the pool and splashed with her, than suggested she jump into the water and go swimming with the instructor. Oh No. No Way, not this time. It quickly turned into a full blown panic attack that lasted hours. It was so bad, Dumpling went into the lesson, but was so scared of BB's reaction that she had her own breakdown 15 min into it and had to go home. We have had no lessons since.

This Sunday, we celebrate. She doesn't turn 2 until next Wednesday, but we'll party a little early to take advantage of the nice weather and the pool.

*** This new friend got her own referral today. I don't want to say anything or give a link to her blog because I don't have her permission, but let me tell you, she'll be bringing home one YOUNG little baby! Congrats! And I'm so happy we met and I can't wait to lay eyes on your little girl! It's crazy, another family we are friends with got their referral last month and are leaving shortly, and a blog friend got a referral today as well! Babies everywhere!

Bye Bye Mullet

Both my girls had the post-shaved-head haircut when we  met them. When Dumpling's hair grew in, I started trimming her bangs. Now, we have been letting them grow in for a  year because she will no longer allow trims. It's been a big pain. So when we met Beach Ball and she was so cute and round and squishy, I decided I would not trim her hair at all and let it grow in as it may. I remember seing pictures of Shelba's Zorba with this long whispy piece of bang and I thought that would look fab on Beach Ball. And it does. She's got the long piece in the front and the funny Flock of Seagulls wings on the side. It's adorable. What is less adorable is the nice Mullet she was growing in the back. I say "was" because the morning, the whole "party in the back" thing was too much, and I trimmed it. I looks much better.

I added a Dumpling shot for good measure.

Forget Disney, my girls like the Hospital

While my husband's hospital stay was stressful, it seems my girls enjoyed the fancy-schmancy bed and the rolling table.

Also, my GYCO MAY entry is up on Ubercrafty, but I warn you, it's totally lame and very last minute.

UPDATE: the shirt is of course from my store and can be found here.

A little lonely, a little blue

I don't usually talk about my *feelings* because I tend to like to keep things light and dumb. But I have to come out and say that I'm feeling a little out of sorts lately.

It all started with some strife in my corner of Blogistan a  few months back. Somehow, the group never completely recovered and I lost touch with some people. Also, like in any group, there are some people who are closer than others. But lately, except for one or two people, I'm really feeling completely out of touch with my gals. It's not anyone's fault. As Chicagomama pointed out in her great post, people's life situations change, and friendships sometimes fall because of those changes. For me personally, the hardest is when I hear about all the great times some of my friends are having getting together IRL and I haven't been able to get to that level (except of course for the great upcoming visit of some VVIPs).  I feel left out. There, I said it.

I guess I always feel left out. When I became a mom before my friends did, it created division because I just couldn't hang out anymore. It was hard to explain, because people didn't seem to understand that bringing home an adopted child demanded a lot more hands-on attention. The ones with no kids couldn't understand why I couldn't leave her with a sitter and the ones with kids didn't understand why I couldn't just bring her everywhere the way they did. So I felt left out. And don't get me started on the whole French Canadian but Jewish thing..... Left Out.

With BB's arrival, this all sort of came to a head. I was literally house-bound for weeks on end. Didn't see anyone but my husband or parents (or, thankfully, the girls from the store, who can't pass up a good bottle of wine on GA night). And so in that time, I took stock. And really, it made me feel sad. Sad that I don't have more friends. Sad that I can't get together with the friends that I do have, and really sad that some of these friendships probably won't make it through the next stages of changes in all our lives.

Most recently, someone I care about very much announced a long awaited pregnancy. And for the first time ever since making my peace with IVF 5 years ago, I was very, very sad. I am soooooooo very happy for her, really, I am. But it was the first time that I was sad. I don't want to be pregnant. I really don't, so I don't know why I'm sad. It's not about her pregnancy. My kids are wonderful, perfect in their imperfections, they are MY kids. But the loneliness and isolation that I feel made me feel left out of yet another thing. The pregnancy thing, left out, again......

Now I will do something I have never done before: I will close the comments for this entry. Because I didn't write this as a pity-party. Really, I didn't. so I will close the comments, stew in my sadness a little, and come back with something stupid and light, and maybe even a new look....

Big Sister Dumpling

Sorry, there will be no Retro Friday this week, I sort of lost my funny around 5 pm.....

I spent the day mulling over a post about how Dumpling is adjusting to life as a big sister and then she brought the entire thing into focus while I was trying to make dinner: Most Fridays, my MIL comes over to have Shabbat dinner with us. She plays with the kids in the basement while I rush to finish making dinner, and then we eat (we being everyone but Dumpling) and she leaves. This afternoon, Dumpling fell asleep, so I woke her up about 15 min before her Bubby was set to arrive. She was cranky and out of sorts. Just a few days ago, Hubs remarked to me that she had been looking really unhappy, for no apparent reason.

Anyhow, she's downstairs with Bubby and BB, I'm putting the finishing touches on my first-ever duck and I go down to check on them. They are sort of playing on the floor, maybe tea party, it's hard to figure out what they are doing, but the TV is blaring and no one is watching. So I explain to Dumpling that I'm going to turn it off because she already watched her alloted time and it's soon Shabbat and we have to turn it off.

She totally loses it. Like crazy mad, kicking the floor, tries to bite my foot which happens to be right there. I try to calm her down and explain again why I'm turning off the TV, but she's having none of it. So I take her to her room, where I hope she will calm down and we can talk. On the way there, she hits me and scratches me, so Hubs takes over to try to calm her down, because clearly I'm upsetting her.

Fast Forward 10 minutes, I'm checking the food, setting the table, and I hear no noise coming from her room. No crying, but they are not coming back either. So I go see what's going on and find Hubs sitting on her bed, with a heaped Dumpling, shaking and sobbing. I look at him, puzzled, and he whispers to me that he asked her what was wrong and at first, she said the TV, then her shirt was wet, then it's something else. He told her he didn't think that was it and she said the following:

"I can't tell you"

"You can tell me anything, I'm your daddy"

"China" and then, she proceeded to weep and shake and just let herself go completely. We ended up spending about half an hour trying to just get her to let it all out. Needless to say, there was no cajoling or negotiating over food tonight, I didn't bother her about eating anything.

It's really the first time she's ever attempted to talk about her grief. She's asked a lot of questions, she knows the story of how we became a family and she'll sometimes ask us to tell her, but this was a totally new thing.

The last couple of months have been rough on her. She's a girl how likes routine, predictability, things in certain places, order. Beach Ball's arrival has upset the balance of everything. Also, she imagined getting a BABY sister, not a 20 month, 30 lbs toddler who touches everything, moves everything, wants everything. It's like the play-date that never ends. We ask her to share and be nice, but it's not for 2 hours and then the guest goes home. We call them sisters, but for now, they are two kids who happen to share a set of parents and a house. I'm sure sisterhood will come eventually, but right now, poor little Dumpling is feeling out of sorts.

Bach Ball after almost 3 months

Well, wouldn't you know, my mentioning Beach Ball's scars yesterday flooded my inbox. It seems that this is more common that we think, but that nobody has really mentioned it before. I will tell you, it was hard for me to write about. Not because of "where" they are, because I am not afraid to write about labia and upper-thighs, but because it is so private to my daughter, and I'm sure she's just going to love being 13 and finding out her mom blabbed all over the world about her scars down there. If you are newly home from China and are sitting at home Googling scars in the genital area, email me, I'll tell you all about the Beijing doctor's explanation.

We are about 10 days away from our 3 month anniversary as a family of 4. We have come very far during that time. I put both kids to be by myself tonight, hubs was out, and it was no problem. She asked for him, but was quite content with having only me. She is into a major hugs and kisses phase right now. Out of nowhere, she'll just run up to you at full speed and hug you or kiss you. I should tell you that she kisses with her mouth opened and her teeth showing,so sometimes, it's a bit frightening because you are not sure if she's coming at you to bite you!

She could not be more different than Dumpling and their integration into our lives couldn't have been more polar opposites. Dumpling came home in the summer, so we were able to spend a lot of time outside. We have pretty much been house-bound since coming home and it's taking a toll on my sanity. I started staining the deck 2 days ago just to get out of the house. The benefit of staying home so much though has been BB's progress. Keeping a close cocoon around her and getting her used to us and our house before taking her out into the world has really helped her.

But she was about 4 months older than Dumpling at adoption, yet I feel she was and still is further behind in certain things: the knee/elbow thing keeps her from going up and down the stairs, she doesn't say any words at all, not even baby words (mama, papa, caca, that's it!), she can't sort shapes/colors, she can't put wooden puzzle pieces into their holes (something Dumpling excelled at much earlier). I'm not worried, I'm not comparing them to one another, I'm simply noticing that the extra time in the orphanage has a much bigger impact than I could have imagined.

What she does fantastically well is this: she laughs, all the time. She loves to play with FP Little People in every matter possible, she will find a way to climb onto any chair of couch and sit there like a pasha, surveying her kingdom, she loves to pet Lucy's bum (just her bum!). And she loves to eat. Can I tell you again what a pleasure it is to have a meal with a kid that rejoices in every single bite, no matter what you give them? Tonight, she had salmon steak, grilled fennel, broccoli and orange peppers! I just got my HUSBAND to eat fennel this year, and this kid lapped it up like it was candy on a stick! She has no sense of fullness though, so we have to establish how much she can eat before we serve her and then stick to our guns and not let her *talk* her way into seconds (she steals from our plates) but I'm sure the time will come when she'll realise there will always be more food, enough food, and she won't stuff herself.

They Are Both Special

So just after JenEx's excellent post on the topic, Sister-Carrie follows up with an equally poignant one on her daughter and how special she is.

We have been home a little over 2 1/2 months. Beach Ball is amazing. For all the difficulties we had in the first month, we have worked through a lot of them and now, she is the funniest, snuggliest, squishiest baby ever! From ripping my nose off and not letting me go anywhere near her, we are now in the "melt into a squishy ball in to mommy's arms" mode. She just loves cuddling, she loves to be held. She's amazing.

But, it's not all puppies and rainbows. It still isn't. She is a very angry child. So good natured 80% of the time, but do something wrong and she will turn into The Hulk. The amount of anger is totally disproportionate to whatever the situation is. She doesn't express physical pain. Knocks her head hard enough to stun herself but won't make a peep. There are only two situations where she cries: in the middle of the night, when she is asleep and therefore totally not in control, and when she is mad/angry. But the mad/angry cries are more like screams and frustration, the middle of the night cries are pure baby sobs, tears, absolute and total sadness.

I think the reason Jen's post struck such a chord with me is because she was able to give examples (the hot oatmeal) that made me think about my own daughters. Karen of the Naked Ovary once wrote that she found a scar on her daughter that she couldn't explain, and that this physical scar came to represent all the emotional scars she would never know about.

Some things about Beach Ball I can make educated guesses about:

• She never bends her knees or elbows. I saw the kids in the orphanage, they had on so many layers, they weren't able to bend them, so they never learned. When she gets up from the ground, she does it 100% without bending her knees.
• She absolutely cannot stand being in a wet diaper. Well, she has never been in a wet diaper, she used to be in split pants. As a matter of fact, she has some scars from the frost-bite caused by urine freezing on her (my supposition and the educated guess of 2 doctors)
• her "rejection" of me: all the orphanage pictures for the last 18 months show the same 2 nannies. Even if I suppose that before that there were different people, it would still mean that she pretty much had the same 2 caretakers for 18 of the 20  months she was there. So she "rejected" me because she actually had a family. Not a family by our definition of the word, but she lived with 2 caretakers and about a dozen siblings. That was her family.
• She spent 20 months of her life in one room. Sure, they probably played outside a little everyday, but they ate, slept, played, all in one room. And then we took her clear across the world to a house on 4 floors, with seperate rooms for all activities and 2 different rooms for playing. Try not freaking out if you were her.

This has also caused me to rethink some things about Dumpling. For the last 3 years, every single meal has been a struggle. She won't eat. Simply won't eat. We cajole, we negotiate, we encourage, we tried ignoring for a while, it's all the same. One thing that recently struck me is how she will only eat once everything is cold. Room Temperature. She always tells me everything is too hot, even if I didn't warm it more than a few seconds. Somehow, I always assumed she trying to take control. (control is a big thing with her). But after Jen's post, I literally re-examined everything and realised, maybe she NEEDS for the food to be room temperature because either a) that's how they used to give it to her or b) she got burned by hot congee and is reacting to that to this day. How did this not occur to me in 3 years? How did it not occur to the therapist? We always assumed it was a control issue, maybe it's just based on her history.

And this is why I 100% agree with Jen's statement that every adoption is a special needs adoption. The loss of one's birth family is a loss that will impact ANY individual. It doesn't matter if that baby finds a home at 2 days of life (like in a domestic adoption) or at 20 months, that primal loss makes a mark on the slate of who they are. And the more time passes before adoption, the more history is created. Unfortunately for us, there is no documentation of that history. So we must navigate blindly, with educated guesses.

Both my daughters are precious and special, each in their own way. But I must think every day that there are things about them I will never understand and I have to find ways to parent them to the best of my abilities and help them realize their full potential, while being aware of the hidden scars,